an offering to the god of doubt

you have something concrete to teach them.
And I, what do I have?

no gas to go anywhere
and no imagination
no cash for an adventure
and no desire for things to change.
Where have I come from
and where am I going?
The people i once loved seem to be fleeing,
their thrall over me so brazenly comforting.
The fan in the window seems to mock me
for all is still and airless despite the noise.

~
I can't believe i still get upset
after hearing you say, "I don't care" so many times
and yet all of it, is real-- lies.

Like that girl's hips and her smooth little thighs
you caught my looking with my old man's eyes
and laughed saying
"Are you sure you're not bi?"
And i smiled because it's easier to covet
and let my comparisons hide.

It's his hand on her waist
so possessive &
paired with that vacuous face
that's got me staring as though--
with sheer force of will -- i could vanish and take her place.

But neither of us want that.