I didn't believe I deserved better --
it didn't matter: only the way I felt.
but now, someone kind
shows me I was wrong.
How could I know, he waited?
Everything is different now
The world a wide bright smile
ready to accept my giddiness.

April

across the rooftop i hear the sounds --
someone playing rockband in the distance.
The sun is warm, cut through by April breeze.

Today girls in skirts relax in the grass that
barely covers the muddy ground,
the fallen autumn twigs in the park.

there's a juggler
and a man with a leopard cat on a leash.
The smell of sizzling hot dogs in the air
salsa dancers in the cobblestone arena,
A singer with his guitar case open for change.

Spring time, and a glorious shine!

Parachutes

ever since i grew up
the fear just keeps getting worse
At First I felt so free so confident to just be me
to make my own choices and speak my own voice

I could do anything!
now i choke
too afraid
I KNOW
it'll all go up in smoke

can't move; can't escape there's nowhere to go:
I can't ride in a car without digging my nails into my palms
salty like an ocean
burning napalm in my lungs
I can't drive can't bike or walk or teach or talk --
can't find my own place to live
and heaven forgive if I were to love

the anxiety just paralyzes me
I think I need to medicate
is there more to life than alcohol? because i can't see it at all
and dancing to loud music and stumbling in the rain laughing
No, I don't think so -
I think I should see a doctor for this hypochondria
keeps growing
first my neck hurts then
I wake up in bed hardly breathing
sure there's cancer in me perhaps it's a virus
next I know i have HIV
and pretty soon I'm dead

Everyone I've ever known stares
look at you, what are you doing? They ask
I don't know, maybe it's because
I don't care about the future anymore I just care about living and fuck everything else this is what I'm here for

I can't get a job
I'm terrified about showing up and
not showing up being
tied down feels like being tied up
everyone's taking advantage of me
no one ever returns my calls
every time I wake up it's like i'm in free fall
I'd rather just go back to bed and dream about parachutes
and not move at all.