today
my subconscious destroyer
rebels against goodness.
I've had too much -- enough
time to crush hopes/dreams/
i crave disaster

in love with the sun and rain

bare feet
on the asphalt
cool
wet
splashes of droplets
on my face, from the darkling sky
sliding across my cheek like warm tears.
Gravel clings
to my toes
barefoot
i walk
in the rain

oh, sun!

Part of me wonders how I can be happy when there is sorrow and war in the world.
Where is our anger? Our indignance? Our sense of right and wrong? How can we go on living, oblivious and uncaring to the death toll, the slaughter and misery that goes on each day? How can we do nothing and still sleep at night?
I asked Pentagon officials: ''How many Iraqis have been killed in this war?''
The reply to my first Pentagon call was: ``We don't track them (Iraqi dead).''

Weeks later I pursued the question and was told by a Defense Department official: ''They don't count. They are not important,'' meaning the casualty figures.

''If the Iraqis laid down their arms,'' he added, ''there was no problem. But if we have to go in by force to kill them, the numbers don't make a difference. It's not something we are concerned with.'' - commondreams.org, 2004

And part of me wonders, how can I not be incredibly happy in this moment, with the sun shining upon my skin? I am the most content that I have ever been, in this moment...
I do not want to feel that helplessness, hopelessness that creeps up when I think. It so hard to speak or move or breathe. What can I do? But I can do something.

confessions

i don't believe i'm in need of confessions, but sometimes you just want to tell your life story to a complete stranger--and then never see them again. This is why I don't tell my friends my life story...

anti-fun discoveries

well, over the past few weekends i've discovered that the highschool impression of myself is correct. not that it ever bothered me that much. but these weekends I've spent friday and saturday nights in my room, eating chips and salsa. it's my scholarly nature's fault; last semester I kept turning friends' offers of entertainment away because i wanted to study. Now they know what i'm like (always going to disappoint when they want to party). but it's not true-- I just want them to conform to my schedule. i can be crazy. if i sit dumb and unmoving in the corner during your party that's because i'm not ready; I don't want to step on anyone's toes. I'm sick of people saying, "Oh, you've really come out of your shell. You're a lot of fun when you're drunk." I'm a lot of fun all the time, damn it! It doesn't matter that most of the time when i'm having fun it's because I am reading a book or studying for class. tut tut.

tenets

Live simply.
Be here now--be conscious.
Man was not made to suffer.
Smile often and laugh easily.
Do not fear death.
Do not seek wealth or power.
Be one with the earth.
Community is neccessary.
Be passionate.
Listen to your art.
"Blessed are the peacemakers...blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth."

beginning in brevity

I've been thinking too much lately. The search for a forum for my thoughts and discoveries has motivated me to start this blog--one of many which have died mysterious, silent deaths in the past. They blossomed to life, full of outrage and communication, and they grandually slowed to a halt. Do I lose interest in saying anything, or become disgusted with my own thoughts? Do I want to hide my crazy musings from prying eyes? Am I convinced that no one cares to read my mutterings (yes--and it's the truth, I write these for myself.) All of this. My posts are as fickle as april weather; one cannot take them for granted. one cannot believe in the consistency of the idea. But I like to write, to keep track of ideas. And so, here it is: my newest blog.