a slow soft chirp from outside the window,
the squeal of tires somewhere on the pavement
someone else is awake:
we are not the only two.
behind the blinds the world would be fuzzy
if i opened my eyes long enough to look.
I wonder what I am supposed to be thinking,
but all i want is a green sea of solace.
i got what i wanted
(what i planned, in agitation running from wall to wall
while i put on my red dress and smoothed my legs
and touched my breath)
All that was for this - all that waiting
so why
do i feel so sad and slow,
The happiness giving way so swiftly, to a soft despair
and i wish to be elsewhere.
Perhaps a new pair of shoes, a glitter, a silken fabric
Perhaps these will fix me, save me, fill me
make me a new, a better person.
Then I'd be armed
With a coach purse, a skirt and a bra and some perfume
I'll be ready
for all the times you're not really there
(somewhere else, if at all)
After.
We lie on the bed in silence and i
want to shake myself awake
and bow down to consumerism,
that baudy green goddess, whose lips have tasted all my fantasies,
whose breasts have shaped my dreams.
Buyer's remorse, retail therapy, impulsive buying--
that's what i want now
to drive along the strip of lights forever,
without pausing to sign a slip as the imaginary earnings dwindle.
what's it all there for
what's all my time been making--
but wristwatches and high-heeled shoes, lamps and mirrors and shows on Itunes.
After all,
isn't that what girls are supposed to do?
Not lie in the dark and wonder
if i dreamed this world or it dreamed me.
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