the shower

this is how i fix myself:
a shower cleans my dirt
my guilt
erases the sadness
as tears are indistinguishable from water
and lying here everything
is warm, safe
here i am protected
and i lie in the tub with my ear pressed to the water
hot pins and needles on my bare feet
nothing moves, except the water
so ceaseless that time stands still
i cover my eyes, my nose
curled fingers against my lips.
I can no longer move
and breathing is no effort

until i tell myself to stop being
such a fucking pathetic piece of shit
and get out of the tub.
but the worst part is
that no one will come to save me
(No one ever, ever comes)
because they will never know
i needed them.
And if they did,
I would pretend everything is fine.
What have I to grieve for?
I am perfect.