something to believe in

here's something to believe in.
like a dreaded spot, showing dark in the film--
pinned up for everybody to see, to see and
point and stare.
I was always different they say but here's the tragedy:
i'm the same again. and again! How can this be?
Selfish, selfish, selfish.
I tried to hard and yet the future's
past again and selfish selfish selfish i sit with chocolates and crumpled paper napkins, like the wake of some great hurricane.
I used to have eyes like paper prophets, sucking the fear out from those unwashed faces: my world was wonderful sometimes but yours just gives me stomach-aches.
and now it's all money money grab grub food food fix me fix me!
why did you bring me here? I screech, i really didn't want to be here.
I thought, I thought i was ready and different i escaped my earthly womb but i was wrong -
I don't want to die. I don't want to die. Miserable mantra of self-loathing, they laugh you poor white girl you've had such hardships.
She always has trouble with those crazies, he said, laughing.
Well i do too, those attacking crazies in my head like whirligigs
insects upon the water: again and again and again they tell me:
fail, fail, fail. You didn't get a choice.
they're all like me: same, same yet feeling different and all they need, all they require is something - anything
to believe in.